Twat!

 Late July, 2015
Today I went to see M (my sister). (I recently heard that she has breast cancer) She was quite down but we had a nice enough chat. I left Hitchin at about 4.30 and was back ( near home) at about 6. Sent a series of texts to S but, unusually for her, she never responded. (My 10-year relationship ended and I left without keys, belongings etc and now I'm homeless)
I will try again tomorrow but, if she continues to ignore me, I'll have to just go to the house. If it's really over and she no longer wants me, I'll revert to Plan A. Need to have the strength to actually do it this time. Without her life is not worth living. In fact, I simply can't visualise S and I not together forever.
If (and when) the worst scenario happens, I'll carry out the most selfish act of my life. I must be a pretty shitty human being. No one wants to employ me, my son hasn't spoken to me for several years, (He moved to the States - Utah - and became a Mormon, got married and continues to ignore my emails etc), I'm hell to live with. The world will be a better place without me.
This just proves what a twat I am, doesn't it?