No Sleep

Again, I didn't sleep last night. Spent the early hours trying to figure out what I should do. I'm stuck. I don't seem to be able to do anything at the moment. Keep thinking about the past as I can't envisage a future. The age-old 'What if'? keeps appearing.
What if:
I hadn't been such a twat?
I hadn't said such terrible things?
I hadn't been so bloody dramatic?

Too late now. As I'm fond of telling people, it's not something you cab go back and change now.

Still have nowhere to live and I'm getting concerned that I've out-stayed my welcome at the place I'm at now. Sure that the guy who's letting me stay in his (unfinished) annexe is trying to find some way to ask me to leave. May just be paranoia but I think I'm right. If I have to move on, I'm stuffed. It's more than likely that I'll be sleeping in my car again. Not easy in a Mini.

Last night I considered loading the car up with the few things I have with me and leaving. Just driving somewhere, locking the car and disappearing. Seems more and more appealing. I could just wander off and starve to death somewhere away from everyone. No more of this shit.

A Bad Day

Today, is a bad day.
I've not spoken to anyone for a few days and I've retreated into myself.
Taking a look at where I am is painful.
No home. No job. No relationship. Socially isolated. Claiming benefits for the first time in my life. Depending on the good will of those I hardy know.
I feel powerless to move on.
I'm spiralling down into a deep, dark place and now that I'm older, I don't feel that I have the resources to do this. I need someone or something to help me get out of this. I can't do it on my own.
But, who? Sadly, I don't think there is anyone who can help. Perhaps I can survive but I'm not sure I want to anymore.

WTF is this all about?

This is a Blog about the trials and tribulations of a 58 year old man who fucks his (and other peoples) lives up. Briefly, I (the aforementioned bloke), currently have no job - I do some voluntary work for a charity - and have nowhere to live. I gave up that right when I verbally destroyed my partner (S) and her daughter (MM) for no real reason other than my own frustration at my sad little life, In addition to my own  situation, my sister (M) was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. I'm only writing this here as a kind of release as I'm pretty sure that no one will read it. The Internet must be overflowing with this kind of self-pitying, self-indulgent garbage!

If you do read this and are interested in commenting - feel free. I won't promise that I'll reply (or even acknowledge) your contribution, but I know some people just cannot stop themselves from giving an opinion. I have little in the way of compassion or patience at the moment. Be prepared for a fierce backlash if you say anything I don't like/agree with. You have been warned.

A Week Later

I'm staying at D's (my former colleague) boyfriend P's. First 2 nights in his spare room. Since then in his 'annex' at the bottom of his garden. Only half completed - bathroom without a door, no furniture, no access to the upstairs - no stairs. Nothing to cook on, no plates or cutlery but there is a coffee maker. Borrowed a chair, side table and inflatable bed. First couple of days slept in the chair - long story.
I've signed on, had an interview and may get paid soon. BTW, I'm in Tamworth, a place called Glascote.
Seen S a couple of times but although it is quite amicable she is adamant that I can't return. She may be friendly but it's about MM, she can't/ won't forgive me. Don't blame her at all really. Poor kid has had a lot of shit in her short life!
Spoke to M tonight, she's OK, going to get her biopsy results tomorrow. I hope she'll be OK. So sad for her, she shouldn't be here, she doesn't deserve it at all. She promised to let me know the results tomorrow but I said that if she doesn't feel up to it she doesn't have to call.

The Next Day

Finally got a text from S at lunchtime. Very negative. Met her at McDonalds at 4.30 Long talk, some tears, no chance of moving back. Feeling suicidal now, must move on. To do: Somewhere to live, an income, GP, God knows what else. Shit! Shit! Shit! I love her and MM (her 12-year old daughter) so much.

Twat!

 Late July, 2015
Today I went to see M (my sister). (I recently heard that she has breast cancer) She was quite down but we had a nice enough chat. I left Hitchin at about 4.30 and was back ( near home) at about 6. Sent a series of texts to S but, unusually for her, she never responded. (My 10-year relationship ended and I left without keys, belongings etc and now I'm homeless)
I will try again tomorrow but, if she continues to ignore me, I'll have to just go to the house. If it's really over and she no longer wants me, I'll revert to Plan A. Need to have the strength to actually do it this time. Without her life is not worth living. In fact, I simply can't visualise S and I not together forever.
If (and when) the worst scenario happens, I'll carry out the most selfish act of my life. I must be a pretty shitty human being. No one wants to employ me, my son hasn't spoken to me for several years, (He moved to the States - Utah - and became a Mormon, got married and continues to ignore my emails etc), I'm hell to live with. The world will be a better place without me.
This just proves what a twat I am, doesn't it?

Warning.

This is a sort of (unedited) diary/chronicle of some things which have happened recently. The names have been changed and some parts adjusted for anonymity. Apart from these tweaks, this is how it's happened/is happening. I make no apologies for the language or the sentiments. So, if you don't like it, leave and read something else.